Liutofaga: Introduction

A few weeks ago I dreamt of my family - it felt so real. 

I'm walking up the driveway of my aunty's home holding a foil covered tray and I see the double doors to the garage are wide open. I walk through, wave hello and kisi people while I make my way to the back of the house.

I see my loved ones everywhere.

Oldies sitting on chairs deep in talanoaga, cousins bustling about doing feaus and parents chasing kids as they run weaving themselves through the maze of loved elders.

I hear my loved ones everywhere.

Witty banter bouncing back and forth in Samoan and english, random bursts of hyena laughter, music blaring and the crackle of meat as it roasts on the barbecue.

I feel my loved ones everywhere.

We work together in synced harmony. We set the table, arrange the seating and neatly place the foil covered trays containing food in the middle of the table setting. 

"Tatou ifo ma tatalo" is said and we all bow our heards in silence, than in unison whisper Amene.

I reach over and uncover the tray in front of me. 

I see a human spinal bone and everything goes still. 

My hands cover my eyes as I bow my head and weep while memories of loved ones waiting in the heavens fill my mind. I wake up crying unable to go back to sleep.

My dad's family practise liutofaga, at every family reunion held in Samoa groups of family members visit the ancestral tomb. As a child I remember some of my cousins returning from Samoa with stories of how they went to the tomb and cleaned the bones of our ancestors with fagu'u. 

I laughed and accused them of lying. Family tomb!? yeah right! I ran to dad so he could back me up and prove them wrong. I repeated the story, he nodded in agreement and said:

"E sa'o. The bones of the matai's in our aiga are placed in the family tomb. We clean the bones with coconut oil to remember them"

Bear with me as I open the tomb of memories and wipe the dust from the spinal bones of life lessons passed down from some of the women in my family. No tomb can hold or book fully detail the legacy of their resilience and love.

The plan is to release a series of blog posts as an attempt to write how they changed and blessed my life with love. 

In her poem titled "Women of Colour" Rupi Kaur wrote our backs tell stories no books have the spine to carry. 

To my loved ones waiting in the heavens - o lou liutofaga lea.

Fa'afetai mo lou alofa

In Time

Afio ane loa le auga fa’apae

Se’i sausaunoa la’ei Samoa

Amata ususu o le ‘aiuli alu ma le atoa

 

Sulu i le malo ma malu ai le tuiga,

Salani i le u’u ua ova le ‘i’ila

Maualuga ai o le ta aso ua sili le mataina

 

Fai mamalu le faiva

E sili i le silasila

Tau lau agava’a

I si ou sa’asa’a

 

E le mavae le mamalu nai ou la’ei

E sili atu lava i ona po nei

La’ei Samoa e mamalu ai lava lou sausaunoa

 

Fia ‘olo ane le fua ma le pa’o

Fai fai malie o le pati ma le po

Se’i fa’asolo faiva ua saunia mo lenei aso

 

Soa lautele lava le fa’atafiti

Taualuga le so’ona tafitifiti

E ute o fiafiaga Fa’aSamoa moni lava ua sili

 

Fai mamalu le faiva

E sili i le silasila

Tau lau agava’a

I si ou sa’asa’a

"Afio Ane Loa" - Tree Vaifale

I have been contemplating whether to get back into writing/blogging again. 

I have so many half-written pieces gathering dust in my drafts from the past few years since I last pressed publish.

I left them unfinished because I didn't feel ready. But the past few weeks thoughts, conversations and answers to prayers have led me back here.

I feel the aualuma of women in my family, both in heaven and on earth.

I hear their whispered prayers fofo the fagu'u of reassurance into my skin.

I feel their warming presence la'ei my soul with their hand sewn resilience.

I hear the claps of fa'ataupati and their joyous cheers of fa'aumu usher confidence into my being.

I feel their love gather around me.

They cry for me to hear them. 

To live. To exist. To be. 

Taofia Pelesasa said "Remember that generations of our people fought for you to exist today. Use the life they fought for"

So I'm putting it out into the universe:

I want the generations of women before me to know that their uttered prayers have been heard, received, felt and lived. 

I want the untold stories buried in our hearts unearthed and brought to the surface

They inspire me so people know about us - about me, about them.

Happy Days

Sila

We're All Somebody's Side Kick

We are bursting through the barricades and

Reaching for the sun (we are warriors)

Yeah, that's what we've become (yeah, that's what we've become)

I won't let them break me down to dust

I know that there's a place for us

For we are glorious

When the sharpest words wanna cut me down

I'm gonna send a flood, gonna drown them out

I am brave, I am bruised

I am who I'm meant to be, this is me

Look out 'cause here I come

And I'm marching on to the beat I drum

I'm not scared to be seen

I make no apologies

This is me

"This is Me" - Keala Settle

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wEJd2RyGm8Q

A few years ago I was randomly asked to describe myself using 3 fictional characters. I texted:

Nani (Lilo & Stitch) - Motherly and witty.

Nakoma (Pocahontas) - Voice of reason and loyal.

Nala (The Lion King) - Compassionate and full of sass.

I remember soon after scrolling through Facebook and noticed people doing the same exercise except they were commonly naming disney princesses, super heroes and main characters in TV shows/Movies. 

Then it dawned on me: all the characters I named were sidekicks.

A lot of times in life I feel like I’m stuck in this cycle of being a supporting character and not the protagonist in a story. Always a side kick and never the hero.

One of my critiques for the film "The Greatest Showman" (which I loooove!!!) is that they could have made so much more out of the character development for the bearded lady Lettie Lutz played by Keala Settle #PasifikaMovement.

"This is Me" would have made a deeper impact if we witnessed a few more scenes of Lettie's life prior to her singing the hell outta that beautiful song. 

All we needed was a 2 minute montage, a collection of her lifes glimpses juxtaposed by the magnificence that she has now epiphanised herself to be.

So on behalf of all my fellow side kicking Lettie Lutz's of the world, here's my two minute montage:

When I was kid I stood on a brick wall in the middle of the Onehunga street mall, spread my arms out wide and jumped with the utmost confidence that I would fly as I screamed "SUPERMAN". I flew straight onto my face and have a scar in the middle of my bottom lip to prove it.

I hate yellow bananas.

Reading books is my thing – it’s my budget way to travel, my research O.G before google, my means of escape and a portal to help me understand the experiences of others.

I listen to music all the damn time

I have a tendency to yell ice cream mid-sentence of someone asking what my favourite food is, an uncontrollable inclination to move whenever I hear a beat, a thirst for awareness/ understanding, a next-level-embarrassing fear of heights, a suffocating hug and a weird habit of licking the flavour off of chips before downing them.

I love inspiration received in moments of quiet reflection. Whether it be on a crowded train or in the silence of my room - the dots start to connect, my heart and mind synchronise, and light slowly pours into my being.

My dad gee'd me up one time at a shopping mall beat boxing competition. I walked onto the stage and literally spit pfft pfft pfft into the mic. I went home feeling chuffed as hell with a walkman hot in my pocket from pity winning first place.

Random solemn moments reaffirming to me time and time again that there is a God. 

He is real. 

He knows me. 

Out of all the titles he is known to be from The Almighty to Allah - to me he is Father.

I finally conquered my fear and learnt to ride a two wheel bicycle at the tender age of 22yrs old - this is cover-my-face-shake-my-head-worthy.

I believe crying and laughing are the best forms of medicine - I regularly self-medicate and alternate between the two.

Laughing is my favourite thing to do. 

I feel like God put this amazing little mechanism called laughter somewhere between my heart and my throat. Disclaimer: I have no idea if that is biologically correct, but it feels like it is.

Jarod Kintz said laughter is the sound of the soul dancing. If that’s the case, then my soul has an Everest sized mountain of worn out dance shoes and a comparable sized pile yet to be used.

I made my sisters lives a living hell growing up. 

I read somewhere that people usually hurt others in an attempt to feel better. I projected my damaged soul, insecurities and feelings of worthlessness onto them. I still cry out of regret when I reflect on how mean spirited and hurtful I was.

There’s something liberating about dancing like a madman in the rain.

My dysfunctional family give me life with their myriad of personalities, inside jokes, mocks of death, struggle street stories, life lessons, memories, drama and love. My heartstrings are forever tethered to theirs regardless of where we are literally and figuratively in life.

I'm opinionated and have no problem voicing my sentiments - fist bump to the Hermione Grangers of the world.

When I was 13yrs old my mum was teaching an early morning class called seminary for our church. 

There was about 30 of us in the class and we all ranged between the ages of 13-18yrs old.

Because there were so many of us mum seated us in rows according to age, I was seated smack bang in the middle of the front row. 

My beautiful mum has hearing issues so the kids would regularly tease her under their breath and laugh because she couldn't hear them. 

I would burn with embarrassment, pretend I couldn't hear and act like nothing happened.

One morning the eldest kid in class seated in the back row started mocking mum. The whole room erupted in laughter. 

I summoned a small ounce of courage, shakily got up from my seat, turned around, pointed my finger at him and yelled:

"SHUT UP AND STOP TALKING ABOUT MY MUM!"

The room went dead silent

*SLAP*

I was stunned...mum slapped the shiieee outta me.

I immediately sat down, placed my forehead on the table, covered my head with my arms and cried. 

I wept out of embarrassment and prayed a sinkhole would crack open the floor and swallow me hole. 

After a few minutes of crying I took comfort in this one truth: I finally defended the person I love most in the world and that was all that mattered.

I believe that the majority of my talents are obscure or hidden, roasting is probably at the top of the list #SavageLifeChoseMe

*aaaand scene*

In a world full of people clamouring to be Beyonce, we seem to give side eye glances to the Kellys and Michelles of the world. 

But Beyonce would not be Beyonce without the harmonious friendship of Kelly and Michelle.

Lilo would have been a ward of the state if her older sister Nani didn't fight to love her regardless of parental loss, financial struggle and childlike shenanigans.

Nakoma's voice of reason helped comfort and ground the free-spirited Pocahontas.

Simba would still be walking around the wopwops suffocating on Pumba's farts if Nala didn't breathe love into him and remind him of his worth as a son of a king.

A few days ago I was having a talk with my sister and she said that sometimes we get so caught up with trying to find ourselves that we forget we can create ourselves.

In the pursuit of fulfilling the measure of our creation we simultaneously fill the measure of our creation. 

We all have good and bad experiences in our lives. However, the choice lies with us in how  we use it to its full effect - whether for the betterment or detriment of our being. 

When we consciously choose to use these for our gain, we invest the good and actively renovate the bad into a lesson and building block for character.

There is nothing wrong with being a side kick but there is if you're a side hoe. 

At the end of the day, we're all supporting characters in another's story and have supporting characters in our own.

Just don't be satisfied standing in the shadows when it comes to the story of YOUR life.

Position yourself centre-stage.

Signal for the curtains of obscurity to draw open.

Step forward to let the spotlight shine on you.

Spread your arms wide and make your debut.

Happy Days

Sila

Breathe

Take me from this thundercloud

Pull me up from the frozen ground

Yes this world keeps turning

It’s so easy to stray when you can’t see the love around

In this life there are things

That we just can’t be without

I can’t seem to shake the…

Black crow from my shoulder

Out here it’s so cold

These dark skies washing over

Wait for sunrise

Wish this black crow would just

Leave me alone

Leave me alone

Leave me alone

Leave me alone

"Black Crow" - Louis Baker

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fHrqGkxzIJ8

I don't cuss but depression is a b****

Depression is something I've battled with majority of my life. 

Depression has gnawed on the scab of past hurts rehashing events that I mistakenly thought were healed. It has made me feel as if I am drowning in a sea of despair without a buoy of hope in sight. There are times where I have felt utterly alone in a crowded room, my feet cemented in the ground as people pass me by.

Depression has made my inner self curl up with the need for isolation as fragments of my being face each other behind enemy lines waged in an emotional war. 

I have become skilled in the art of pretending that everything is okay. When I feel I have to make an appearance I plaster on a happy face, add a few laughs/jokes and engage in lighthearted conversation. Then I come home, wash the plaster off and like clockwork the thoughts and feelings of worthlessness increase in volume as the darkness makes its full return.

Sometimes I see the signs/triggers approaching as she walks up the footpath. I can ride out those visits more smoothly in a shorter span of time cos I know what to do to get her to leave and then issue a sigh of relief when she is gone. The longer harder visits are the ones that I don't see coming until I'm in the thick of it. She sneaks in, taps me on the shoulder and whispers her presence into my ear.

When these episodes happen my inner voice says no-one else can fix this except me.

I self isolate.
Lock the door.
Lie in bed.
Sleep.

Binge.
Sleep.

Eat.
Sleep.
Sleep.

Sleep.

Then I try to ride it out or fight it off.

I ride it out by praying. There have been times when all I have been able to muster is help me.

I ride it out by listening/watching sad songs and movies to feel/release pent up emotion and permit myself to cry. It wrings my heart dry so that it feels weightless enough to keep beating despite depression, melancholy, disappointment, grief or sorrow.

I ride it out by working out or turning on music and dancing.

I ride it out by making a mental list of all the goodness in my life to clear the fog and slowly feel the light of day seep into my soul as the haze fades.

When the ride out doesn't work and my headspace still feels a mess - I fight.

I fight by unlocking the door and letting people in.

I fight by forcing myself to talk to a loved one.

I fight by going through the work of identifying/facing my triggers and unpacking it to soothe the pain.

I fight by calling a helpline.

I fight by seeking professional help and seeing a counsellor.

I fight by telling myself to breathe and keep breathing. There have been too times where my head would think that ending my life was the only or best way out of this. 

But it isn't.

Depression is one of the leading causes of suicide. It can be such a taboo subject, especially in the Pasifika community. 

We tend to speak about suicide with averted eyes, behind cupped hands in hushed tones. But we've had too many attempts and lost too many lives to keep avoiding this discussion. We need to look each other in the eye and talk about it in order to heal.

Our hearts need mending and things need to change.

Ride it out. Fight it off. Get help.

Remind yourself: Breathe. Just keep breathing.

With all the love in my heart I beg you to live and pray you find relief

Happy Days are ahead of you
Sila

For more information on how to get help or to help a loved one
click here , here , here and here

Be Here; Be Present

If you feel alright

Let yourself dance

Don't sit out tonight

If you feel alright

Get off your phone

Take it in tonight

If you see the light

Don't turn away

It's reality

"Sooth Lady Wine"- Matt Corby

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BhHnMGzfhgM

I can't sing to save my damn life. God put me in the strictly-listen-only lane cos he knew I'd be mimika as hell if I could. Sigh, a girl can hallucinate dream.

But I love to listen to music! My poor housemates usually receive a rude awakening on Saturday mornings or when I'm cleaning cos I can't help but have my music turned all the way up on max volume.

A few months ago I got to to see Emily King live. I positioned myself right in front of the stage so she could see me sing every lyric to her songs, that's how much I love her music. Miss Emily King saw my enthusiasm and must have assumed that my offkey voice could sing cos she put the mic right in front of my face, inviting me to sing along #IWasntReaaaaady

My eyes widened and I squealed "I CAN'T SING!" hand-on-heart-no-word-of-a-lie this happened. Unfazed we laughed and she high-fived my non-singing ass as the show carried on. I continued to sing, sway, dance, cry and I practically fangirled the whole damn set. My heart swelled with emotion at the strum of the opening chords and stayed at that capacity long after the sound of applause from her final song ended. It was transcendent in every sense of the word.

It was one of the few live shows I've been to where people didn't have their eyes involved in a tennis match between their phone's and the act. To be in a crowd where it felt like we were all there just to be in a moment.

When going out with friends one of my pet peeves is when we're all having a good time getting carried away with the dancing fairies and then along comes the I-don't-wanna-dance-but-I'm-FOMO-holding-up-the-walls-the-entire-time ass friend with their phone snapchat ready to record the fun that they haven't been having but clearly want to pretend they are for social media.

BRUH

I get squirmishly awkward and instinctively turn my back on the camera. Getting caught up behind a lense can categorise us as an observer and not necessarily a participant. Fabricated scenes and orchestrated filters to showcase a highlight reel can rob us from the pleasure of being in a moment cos we're too focused on what we want other people to see.

We lose parts of ourselves amongst the white noise of seeking popular opinion. We tie pieces of our self worth to likeability and conformity instead of digging our toes into the gritty sands of authenticity and feeling the grains of the present. When no-one is there to notice or applaud you, what will you do then? 

Put down the phone. Turn off the constant need for views, likes or retweets and lose your damn inhibition!

Whether you're jumping around in a mosh pit, being swept away with the dancing fairies or a heartbroken while seated at a funeral of a loved one. Try to resist the urge to become an observer by pressing record, let the full range of emotion that comes with the moment envelop you. For a few seconds close your eyes, take a deep breath and repeat the mantra "Be here; be present."

Try it. It works for me.

Happy Days
Sila

Falling in Love

I'm not the mistakes that I have made

Or any of the things that caused me pain

I am not the pieces of the dream I left behind, I am light

I am light, I am light

I, I am light

I am light, I am light

I am light, I am light

I am not the color of my eyes

I am not the skin on the outside

I am not my age, I am not my race

My soul inside is all light

All light, all light yeah

All light

I am light, I am light

I am light, I am light yeah

I am divinity defined

I am the God on the inside

I am a star, a piece of it all

I am light

"I Am Light" - India Arie

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OL-gxfx2QtY

You can scroll back up and click on that arrow sending you back to wherever you came from if you're here with the intention to collect some receipts on my non-existent love life #GerraraHere

Over a year ago I sat down and came up with a bucket list. I was typing away in my room sipping koko with my hair bunned up Moana style. 

I looked above my laptop screen, caught a glimpse of my reflection and typed at the very bottom of the list "#30 Fall in love" - what I left out was - with myself.

Cos quite frankly loving myself can be so damn hard sometimes!!!

I have too many days where I cringe at the sight of my reflection.

All I can see are my round cheeks, quadruple chins from overeating, eyebrows past their waxing due date, bags for days under my eyes as a result of netflix decathlons and facial dimensions that I've cried over because they don’t seem to sit in the right places to be looked at and exclaimed as pretty.

Aw hell I think my heart just shrunk a little from baring it's inner mutterings. Maestro, cue the violins!

But there are days where my beauty spots aren't so diminutive beside the warts (figurative warts cos I ain't about that life lol)

I have a smile that illuminates the entirety of my face, a laugh that could wake the dead, eyes that have fed my soul with hours of inpromptu conversations laced with late-night-til-dawn book reading sessions and facial dimensions that have been melded together from past generations of union and love from those that created my existence.

Every part of me is placed where it's suppose to be - intentionally and unintentionally. 

It tells an epic love story starring me. It's on these days I can't help but step back and think:

 
Today I am enough. Today the losing side is not me. To know oneself is to love oneself. 

It's on days like this that the prospect of falling in love doesn't seem so hard after all.

Happy Days
Sila

What do you see?

It's in the eyes of the children

As they leave for the very first time

And it's in the heart of a soldier

As he takes a bullet on the frontline

It's in the face of a mother

As she takes the force of the blow

And its in the hands of the father, yeah

As he works his fingers to the bone, yeah

It's in the soul of a city

What it does after it crumbles and burns

And it's in the blood of a hero

To know where he goes he may never return

If you could be anywhere that you wanted to be

With anyone that you wanted to be with

Doing anything that you wanted to do

What would it be and who would it be with you

Time flies but you're the pilot

It moves real fast but you're the driver

You may crash and burn sometimes

This is why we do it

This is worth the pain

This is why we fall down

And get back up again

This is where the heart lies

This is from above

Love is this, this is love

Love is why we do it

Love is worth the pain

Love is why we fall down

And get back up again

Love is where the heart lies

Love is from above

Love is this, this is love

"This = Love" - The Script
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YGa-XsW0lms

I tried to go op-shopping in central Parramatta a few weeks ago. I stepped into a store but was pulled back by a man whispering "Don't go inside," 

I asked why and he replied that there was a crazy lady in the store and the cops were on their way.

I realized he was an employee so I stepped back outside, leaned my back against the wall and turned up the volume in my earphones. I didn't need to be there, but for some reason I felt compelled to stick around. The man paced up and down the pavement waiting for the police to arrive. I unplugged one of the earphones and went quiet as I listened to the lady screaming every cuss word under the sun. 

A female employee walked out the store.

"Are you okay?" I asked. 

"I'm fine" she replied with a quiet smile on her lips, she gestured towards the lady inside.

"But I don't think she is, poor thing has barricaded herself in a corner." 

Shaking her head while looking down at the pavement she continued.

"Looks like she's had a rough morning."

"Sounds like she's had a tough life," I replied and we both nodded in agreement.

In the thirty minutes it took for a convoy of four police cars and an ambulance to arrive, the two employees and I chatted, laughed and ate ice cream together.

A small crowd gathered curious to the cause of the commotion. I noticed each time someone asked the male employee what was going on, he would reply a crazy woman is going off her head inside the store. But each time someone asked the female employee what was going on, she would sympathise and reply that the lady inside seems to be having a rough morning.

One situation. Two different perspectives. My question is - what would you see?

In the Bible the story of Job is recounted, a man who suffered every degree of loss. The shadows of misfortune seemed to follow him. Inspite of these heartbreaking experiences, he refused to treat others harshly or deny God. Job consciously chose to humanize people and refused to define them by their actions. I mulled over why he was this way and came to this conclusion.

Job knew who he was to God and who God was to him -  and no amount of persuasion or misfortune could change that. He viewed people with love.

I walked away from the store after everything was sorted and couldn't help but ask myself:
How do I view people? What do I see?

Happy Days
Sila

Faafetai Mo Lou Alofa - An Ode to Friendship

I've heard it said,
That people come into our lives
For a reason
Bringing something we must learn.
And we are led to those
Who help us most to grow if we let them.
And we help them in return.
Well, I don't know if I believe that's true
But I know I'm who I am today
Because I knew you.

Like a comet pulled from orbit
As it passes a sun,
Like a stream that meets a boulder
Halfway through the wood.
Who can say if I've been changed for the better
But because I knew you.
I have been changed for good.

So, let me say before we part:
So much of me
Is made of what I learned from you.
You'll be with me
Like a handprint on my heart.
And now whatever way our stories end
I know you have rewritten mine
By being my friend

"For Good" - Idina Menzel & Kristin Chenoweth

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TZ0pXUb5jVU

When I was 11yrs old my waist-long hair was infested with nits (I literally just cackled out loud - don't judge me!) and there was a boy that would use that fact and various other things to bully the crap out of me. 

Initially I tried to laugh it off but that didn't help. I then tried to fight him off by cussing him out (again...don't judge me lol) but that didn't work. So then I tried to shrink myself and be unseen by disconnecting and burying myself in books as a means of escape...but that still didn't work!

So I prayed. I recall kneeling one night begging God to send friends that would help me. I remember throwing my face in the pillow and sobbing hoping that He would intervene and answer my prayer.

That prayer I uttered as a kid has been answered time and time again with friends who have loved and blessed my life with goodness.

Friends who stand up for me when I am there and defend me when I am not there. 

Friends who aren't afraid to correct me and call me out on my crap, but are always the first to highlight and cheerlead my good.

Friends that protect me, share with me, encourage me and laugh with me.

Friends that talk with me, discuss with me, disagree with me and debate with me.

Friends that mock me (but especially with me lol), serve with me and dance with me.

Friends that create memories with me, console me, uplift me and save me.

Friends that reminisce with me, teach me and mull over life with me.

Friends who believe in me, eat with me, cry with me, break bread and forgive me.

Friends that are all these things and despite it all - love me still.

....there's a whole lotta "me" thrown in there but you get my drift #SozNotSoz

These people have given and continue to give me an abundance of love. They inspire me to mirror these qualities and to be that type of friend I prayed for as an 11yr old child. Some of these friendships have been for a season and others I feel will carry with me into the eternities. The thing that all these types of friendships have in common, they have changed me for good.

I watched the musical Wicked for the first time last year. 

I laughed.

I cried.

I clapped.

I cried.

I oohed and aahed.

....and cried some more lol

I walked out of the theatre and couldn't help but reflect on the lines from the song For Good:

"Who can say if I've been changed for the better? But, because I knew you, I have been changed for good."

Instantly my mind created a mosaic of faces as my heart recalled moments and lessons that have indelibly and permanently changed me. 

To all those who have blessed my life with friendship,

Faafetai mo lou alofa - thank you for your love.

Happy Days
Sila

Happy 5th Birthday My Love

All you ever do
make me smile
all of the time
all the time
 
All you ever do
change my life
every time
every time

Oh all I ever wanted
was something
and all I ever needed
was nothing

You will always be
in my heart
every part
every part

"Every Part" - Emily King

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i6gsQyt1fzQ 

My minion turns five today. I woke up this morning and tried to busy myself around the house cos my heart felt heavy with missing her. I had a pensieve moment (deuces to the Harry Potter reference).

Flashback 4 years ago:

Leading up to her first birthday I was broke. Wanting to make the day special for her I manged to get together $25. I called my brother who was able to transfer $20 and skipped a day from TAFE to reutilise the $5 mum had given me for transport. I can still remember my brother crying over the phone with disappointment because that's all he had to offer.

I got her a $4 dress from Savers, a $5 cake from Woolies and three happy meals for her and her sisters. I recycled an old candle found in our randomcrap kitchen drawer, wrote "1" on it with a permanent marker, plopped the toys from the happy meals on the cake and our party of four sung "Happy Birthday" to her with gusto.

I step back from the pensieve into the present time with a giggle lingering on my lips as I survey the scene. I watch my three minions eat. I mull over where our lives were at and cry. The ugly-wipe-your-snots-on-your-sleeve-can't-breathe kinda cry. Up until that point I never knew that every part of my heart could love like this. 

All my heart can do right now is reach towards heaven and offer a prayer with the hope that it makes it way towards them.

To the three little girls that I was blessed enough to love and mother,

I pray that you will always feel loved. 

I pray that your feelings of acceptance will not be dependent on the price of your clothes or the brand of your shoes.

I pray that you will see the good in others, especially those you claim to love and like Jeffrey R Holland said trust the good, doubt the bad.

I pray that you will not tie your self worth to another's lack of ability to love you or see you.

I pray that your hearts will always be knitted towards each other regardless of time or circumstance.

I pray that you will travel the world in the shoes of another as you delve into books that feed the mind and nourish the soul.

I pray that you will use your experiences of pain to help gain a better perspective on how to love and serve others.

I pray that you will always hold onto the truth that you are the daughter of a Father in Heaven who loves every single bit of you.

I pray that you find purpose and fill the measure of your creation with goodness.

I pray that you will let the light of faith outlive the shadows of sadness.

I love you to infinity and beyond. 

Forever in the eternities. 

Time, distance and death will never separate us.

Happy Days
Sila

Birthday Conundrum

Show me

Who I am and who I could be
Initiate the heart within me
'til it opens properly
Slow down
Start again from the beginning
I can't keep my head from spinning out of control
Is this what being vulnerable feels like?
And I will try, try, try to breathe
'til it turns to muscle memory
I'm only steady on my knees
One day I'll stand on my own two feet

- "Son" by Sleeping at Last

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SlDejzC3Tr4

It's 11:00pm and when the clock strikes 12:00 I'll be 29yrs old.

Twenty.

Freaking.

Nine.

Years.

Old.


What the hell have I done with my life!?

The past few weeks I've found myself reflecting on what my life is filled with. There's a lot of goodness, humor, spiritual well being, love for self, love for others, family, friends.

But I also have a tonne of varying emotions tethered to feeling unfulfilled. Probably because I perpetually live my life in fear.

Fear of the unknown. Fear of failure. Fear of rejection. Fear of being vulnerable. 

Fear of food *insert smirk here* if only that was a damn fear lol

I've come up with a bucket list in an attempt to untangle myself from all the chickenheartedness and weave more color and texture into my existence :

"30 Things to do before and while I'm 30"

1. Get a license – Unwiden your eyes. I know, I know... this should have been ticked off more than a decade ago
2. Write in my blog at least once a month - good luck with this one you lazy biblical donkey 
3. Read the Book of Mormon x3
4. Throw someone a surprise party
5. Lose at least 20kgs to be at healthy weight
6. Learn how to swim
7. Pay for a strangers meal/shopping
8. Go paintball
9. Participate in a protest for a cause I believe in
10. Train and Be able to run 5km - minus an ambulance and oxygen tank #ForrrrrrealTho
11. Raise money for a charity
12. Take a burlesque dance class
13. Memorize a full rap song from start to finish
14. Sew a dress
15. Get a henna tattoo - my mormonzoid mind knows that's the closest I'll get to a tattoo
16. Have a photoshoot with my sisterfriends (The Triangle) and the familia
17. Memorize Joseph Smith History verses 8-20
18. Jump in a pool fully clothed – shoes and all
19. Spontaneously kiss someone - Do it in a way that I won't get charged for sexual assault/harassment because having a criminal record is definitely not on this list lol
20. Face a fear – take your pick cos you have a lot to choose from (e.g jump off a pier, hot air balloon)
21. Be an extra in a movie/tv show (Main role preferably. But let’s be real. Highly unlikely:P)
22. Go semi-nude skinny dipping - Due to public concern full monty will most definitely NEVER be an option
23. Have a food/mud fight
24. Learn how to play an instrument – or at least a full song on an instrument (not the spoons, cos you have that down pat)
25. Learn how to Samba or Tahitian tamure like a pro
26. Dance in the rain
27. Serve food to the needy on Christmas Day
28. Eat a humongous-decadent cake without using my hands – Matilda style
29. Visit a country I have never been to
30. Fall in love

It's 12:10am now. Happy Birthday Me!

Cheers to my first blog entry ever.

Happy Days
Sila