Falling in Love

I'm not the mistakes that I have made

Or any of the things that caused me pain

I am not the pieces of the dream I left behind, I am light

I am light, I am light

I, I am light

I am light, I am light

I am light, I am light

I am not the color of my eyes

I am not the skin on the outside

I am not my age, I am not my race

My soul inside is all light

All light, all light yeah

All light

I am light, I am light

I am light, I am light yeah

I am divinity defined

I am the God on the inside

I am a star, a piece of it all

I am light

"I Am Light" - India Arie

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OL-gxfx2QtY

You can scroll back up and click on that arrow sending you back to wherever you came from if you're here with the intention to collect some receipts on my non-existent love life #GerraraHere

Over a year ago I sat down and came up with a bucket list. I was typing away in my room sipping koko with my hair tied bunned up Moana style. I looked above my laptop screen, caught a glimpse of my reflection and typed at the very bottom of the list 

#30 Fall in love - what I left out was - with myself.

Cos quite frankly loving myself can be so damn hard sometimes!

I have days where I cringe at the sight of my reflection because all I can see are my round cheeks, quadruple chins from overeating, eyebrows past their waxing due date, bags for days under my eyes as a result of netflix decathlons and facial dimensions that I've cried over because they don’t seem to sit in the right places to be looked at and exclaimed as pretty.

Aw hell I think my heart just shrunk a little from baring it's inner mutterings. Maestro, cue the violins!

But there are days where my beauty spots aren't so diminutive beside the warts (figurative warts cos I ain't about that life lol)

I have a smile that illuminates the entirety of my face, a laugh that could wake the dead, eyes that have fed my soul with hours of inpromptu conversations laced with late-night-til-dawn book reading sessions and facial dimensions that have been melded together from past generations of union and love from those that created my existence.

Every part of me is placed where it's suppose to be, intentionally and unintentionally. It tells an epic love story starring me. It's on these days I can't help but step back and think:

 
Today I am enough.

Today the losing side is not me.

To know oneself is to love oneself, it's on days like this that the prospect of falling in love doesn't seem so hard at all.

Happy Days
Sila

What do you see?

It's in the eyes of the children

As they leave for the very first time

And it's in the heart of a soldier

As he takes a bullet on the frontline

It's in the face of a mother

As she takes the force of the blow

And its in the hands of the father, yeah

As he works his fingers to the bone, yeah

It's in the soul of a city

What it does after it crumbles and burns

And it's in the blood of a hero

To know where he goes he may never return

If you could be anywhere that you wanted to be

With anyone that you wanted to be with

Doing anything that you wanted to do

What would it be and who would it be with you

Time flies but you're the pilot

It moves real fast but you're the driver

You may crash and burn sometimes

This is why we do it

This is worth the pain

This is why we fall down

And get back up again

This is where the heart lies

This is from above

Love is this, this is love

Love is why we do it

Love is worth the pain

Love is why we fall down

And get back up again

Love is where the heart lies

Love is from above

Love is this, this is love

"This = Love" - The Script
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YGa-XsW0lms

I tried to go op-shopping in central Parramatta a few weeks ago. I stepped into a store but was pulled back by a man whispering "Don't go inside," 

I asked why and he replied that there was a crazy lady in the store and the cops were on their way.

I realized he was an employee so I stepped back outside, leaned my back against the wall and turned up the volume in my earphones. I didn't need to be there, but for some reason I felt compelled to stick around. The man paced up and down the pavement waiting for the police to arrive. I unplugged one of the earphones and went quiet as I listened to the lady screaming every cuss word under the sun. 

A female employee walked out the store.

"Are you okay?" I asked. 

"I'm fine" she replied with a quiet smile on her lips, she gestured towards the lady inside.

"But I don't think she is, poor thing has barricaded herself in a corner." 

Shaking her head while looking down at the pavement she continued.

"Looks like she's had a rough morning."

"Sounds like she's had a tough life," I replied and we both nodded in agreement.

In the thirty minutes it took for a convoy of four police cars and an ambulance to arrive, the two employees and I chatted, laughed and ate ice cream together.

A small crowd gathered curious to the cause of the commotion. I noticed each time someone asked the male employee what was going on, he would reply a crazy woman is going off her head inside the store. But each time someone asked the female employee what was going on, she would sympathise and reply that the lady inside seems to be having a rough morning.

One situation. Two different perspectives. My question is - what would you see?

In the Bible the story of Job is recounted, a man who suffered every degree of loss. The shadows of misfortune seemed to follow him. Inspite of these heartbreaking experiences, he refused to treat others harshly or deny God. Job consciously chose to humanize people and refused to define them by their actions. I mulled over why he was this way and came to this conclusion.

Job knew who he was to God and who God was to him -  and no amount of persuasion or misfortune could change that. He viewed people with love.

I walked away from the store after everything was sorted and couldn't help but ask myself:
How do I view people? What do I see?

Happy Days
Sila

Faafetai Mo Lou Alofa - An Ode to Friendship

I've heard it said,
That people come into our lives
For a reason
Bringing something we must learn.
And we are led to those
Who help us most to grow if we let them.
And we help them in return.
Well, I don't know if I believe that's true
But I know I'm who I am today
Because I knew you.

Like a comet pulled from orbit
As it passes a sun,
Like a stream that meets a boulder
Halfway through the wood.
Who can say if I've been changed for the better
But because I knew you.
I have been changed for good.

So, let me say before we part:
So much of me
Is made of what I learned from you.
You'll be with me
Like a handprint on my heart.
And now whatever way our stories end
I know you have rewritten mine
By being my friend

"For Good" - Idina Menzel & Kristin Chenoweth

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TZ0pXUb5jVU

When I was 11yrs old my waist-long hair was infested with nits (I literally just cackled out loud - don't judge me!) and there was a boy that would use that fact and various other things to bully the crap out of me. 

Initially I tried to laugh it off but that didn't help. I then tried to fight him off by cussing him out (again...don't judge me lol) but that didn't work. So then I tried to shrink myself and be unseen by disconnecting and burying myself in books as a means of escape...but that still didn't work!

So I prayed. I recall kneeling one night begging God to send friends that would help me. I remember throwing my face in the pillow and sobbing hoping that He would intervene and answer my prayer.

That prayer I uttered as a kid has been answered time and time again with friends who have loved and blessed my life with goodness.

Friends who stand up for me when I am there and defend me when I am not there. 

Friends who aren't afraid to correct me and call me out on my crap, but are always the first to highlight and cheerlead my good.

Friends that protect me, share with me, encourage me and laugh with me.

Friends that talk with me, discuss with me, disagree with me and debate with me.

Friends that mock me (but especially with me lol), serve with me and dance with me.

Friends that create memories with me, console me, uplift me and save me.

Friends that reminisce with me, teach me and mull over life with me.

Friends who believe in me, eat with me, cry with me, break bread and forgive me.

Friends that are all these things and despite it all - love me still.

....there's a whole lotta "me" thrown in there but you get my drift #SozNotSoz

These people have given and continue to give me an abundance of love. They inspire me to mirror these qualities and to be that type of friend I prayed for as an 11yr old child. Some of these friendships have been for a season and others I feel will carry with me into the eternities. The thing that all these types of friendships have in common, they have changed me for good.

I watched the musical Wicked for the first time last year. 

I laughed.

I cried.

I clapped.

I cried.

I oohed and aahed.

....and cried some more lol

I walked out of the theatre and couldn't help but reflect on the lines from the song For Good:

"Who can say if I've been changed for the better? But, because I knew you, I have been changed for good."

Instantly my mind created a mosaic of faces as my heart recalled moments and lessons that have indelibly and permanently changed me. 

To all those who have blessed my life with friendship,

Faafetai mo lou alofa - thank you for your love.

Happy Days
Sila