We're All Somebody's Side Kick

We are bursting through the barricades and

Reaching for the sun (we are warriors)

Yeah, that's what we've become (yeah, that's what we've become)

I won't let them break me down to dust

I know that there's a place for us

For we are glorious

When the sharpest words wanna cut me down

I'm gonna send a flood, gonna drown them out

I am brave, I am bruised

I am who I'm meant to be, this is me

Look out 'cause here I come

And I'm marching on to the beat I drum

I'm not scared to be seen

I make no apologies

This is me

"This is Me" - Keala Settle

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wEJd2RyGm8Q

A few years ago I was randomly asked to describe myself using 3 fictional characters. I texted:

Nani (Lilo & Stitch) - Motherly and witty.

Nakoma (Pocahontas) - Voice of reason and loyal.

Nala (The Lion King) - Compassionate and full of sass.

I remember soon after scrolling through Facebook and noticed people doing the same exercise except they were commonly naming disney princesses, super heroes and main characters in TV shows/Movies. 

Then it dawned on me: all the characters I named were sidekicks.

A lot of times in life I feel like I’m stuck in this cycle of being a supporting character and not the protagonist in a story. Always a side kick and never the hero.

One of my critiques for the film "The Greatest Showman" (which I loooove!!!) is that they could have made so much more out of the character development for the bearded lady Lettie Lutz played by Keala Settle #PasifikaMovement.

"This is Me" would have made a deeper impact if we witnessed a few more scenes of Lettie's life prior to her singing the hell outta that beautiful song. 

All we needed was a 2 minute montage, a collection of her lifes glimpses juxtaposed by the magnificence that she has now epiphanised herself to be.

So on behalf of all my fellow side kicking Lettie Lutz's of the world, here's my two minute montage:

When I was kid I stood on a brick wall in the middle of the Onehunga street mall, spread my arms out wide and jumped with the utmost confidence that I would fly as I screamed "SUPERMAN". I flew straight onto my face and have a scar in the middle of my bottom lip to prove it.

I hate yellow bananas.

Reading books is my thing – it’s my budget way to travel, my research O.G before google, my means of escape and a portal to help me understand the experiences of others.

I listen to music all the damn time

I have a tendency to yell ice cream mid-sentence of someone asking what my favourite food is, an uncontrollable inclination to move whenever I hear a beat, a thirst for awareness/ understanding, a next-level-embarrassing fear of heights, a suffocating hug and a weird habit of licking the flavour off of chips before downing them.

I love inspiration received in moments of quiet reflection. Whether it be on a crowded train or in the silence of my room - the dots start to connect, my heart and mind synchronise, and light slowly pours into my being.

My dad gee'd me up one time at a shopping mall beat boxing competition. I walked onto the stage and literally spit pfft pfft pfft into the mic. I went home feeling chuffed as hell with a walkman hot in my pocket from pity winning first place.

Random solemn moments reaffirming to me time and time again that there is a God. 

He is real. 

He knows me. 

Out of all the titles he is known to be from The Almighty to Allah - to me he is Father.

I finally conquered my fear and learnt to ride a two wheel bicycle at the tender age of 22yrs old - this is cover-my-face-shake-my-head-worthy.

I believe crying and laughing are the best forms of medicine - I regularly self-medicate and alternate between the two.

Laughing is my favourite thing to do. 

I feel like God put this amazing little mechanism called laughter somewhere between my heart and my throat. Disclaimer: I have no idea if that is biologically correct, but it feels like it is.

Jarod Kintz said laughter is the sound of the soul dancing. If that’s the case, then my soul has an Everest sized mountain of worn out dance shoes and a comparable sized pile yet to be used.

I made my sisters lives a living hell growing up. 

I read somewhere that people usually hurt others in an attempt to feel better. I projected my damaged soul, insecurities and feelings of worthlessness onto them. I still cry out of regret when I reflect on how mean spirited and hurtful I was.

There’s something liberating about dancing like a madman in the rain.

My dysfunctional family give me life with their myriad of personalities, inside jokes, mocks of death, struggle street stories, life lessons, memories, drama and love. My heartstrings are forever tethered to theirs regardless of where we are literally and figuratively in life.

I'm opinionated and have no problem voicing my sentiments - fist bump to the Hermione Grangers of the world.

When I was 13yrs old my mum was teaching an early morning class called seminary for our church. 

There was about 30 of us in the class and we all ranged between the ages of 13-18yrs old.

Because there were so many of us mum seated us in rows according to age, I was seated smack bang in the middle of the front row. 

My beautiful mum has hearing issues so the kids would regularly tease her under their breath and laugh because she couldn't hear them. 

I would burn with embarrassment, pretend I couldn't hear and act like nothing happened.

One morning the eldest kid in class seated in the back row started mocking mum. The whole room erupted in laughter. 

I summoned a small ounce of courage, shakily got up from my seat, turned around, pointed my finger at him and yelled:

"SHUT UP AND STOP TALKING ABOUT MY MUM!"

The room went dead silent

*SLAP*

I was stunned...mum slapped the shiieee outta me.

I immediately sat down, placed my forehead on the table, covered my head with my arms and cried. 

I wept out of embarrassment and prayed a sinkhole would crack open the floor and swallow me hole. 

After a few minutes of crying I took comfort in this one truth: I finally defended the person I love most in the world and that was all that mattered.

I believe that the majority of my talents are obscure or hidden, roasting is probably at the top of the list #SavageLifeChoseMe

*aaaand scene*

In a world full of people clamouring to be Beyonce, we seem to give side eye glances to the Kellys and Michelles of the world. 

But Beyonce would not be Beyonce without the harmonious friendship of Kelly and Michelle.

Lilo would have been a ward of the state if her older sister Nani didn't fight to love her regardless of parental loss, financial struggle and childlike shenanigans.

Nakoma's voice of reason helped comfort and ground the free-spirited Pocahontas.

Simba would still be walking around the wopwops suffocating on Pumba's farts if Nala didn't breathe love into him and remind him of his worth as a son of a king.

A few days ago I was having a talk with my sister and she said that sometimes we get so caught up with trying to find ourselves that we forget we can create ourselves.

In the pursuit of fulfilling the measure of our creation we simultaneously fill the measure of our creation. 

We all have good and bad experiences in our lives. However, the choice lies with us in how  we use it to its full effect - whether for the betterment or detriment of our being. 

When we consciously choose to use these for our gain, we invest the good and actively renovate the bad into a lesson and building block for character.

There is nothing wrong with being a side kick but there is if you're a side hoe. 

At the end of the day, we're all supporting characters in another's story and have supporting characters in our own.

Just don't be satisfied standing in the shadows when it comes to the story of YOUR life.

Position yourself centre-stage.

Signal for the curtains of obscurity to draw open.

Step forward to let the spotlight shine on you.

Spread your arms wide and make your debut.

Happy Days

Sila

Breathe

Take me from this thundercloud

Pull me up from the frozen ground

Yes this world keeps turning

It’s so easy to stray when you can’t see the love around

In this life there are things

That we just can’t be without

I can’t seem to shake the…

Black crow from my shoulder

Out here it’s so cold

These dark skies washing over

Wait for sunrise

Wish this black crow would just

Leave me alone

Leave me alone

Leave me alone

Leave me alone

"Black Crow" - Louis Baker

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fHrqGkxzIJ8

I don't cuss but depression is a b****

Depression is something I've battled with majority of my life. 

Depression has gnawed on the scab of past hurts rehashing events that I mistakenly thought were healed. It has made me feel as if I am drowning in a sea of despair without a buoy of hope in sight. There are times where I have felt utterly alone in a crowded room, my feet cemented in the ground as people pass me by.

Depression has made my inner self curl up with the need for isolation as fragments of my being face each other behind enemy lines waged in an emotional war. 

I have become skilled in the art of pretending that everything is okay. When I feel I have to make an appearance I plaster on a happy face, add a few laughs/jokes and engage in lighthearted conversation. Then I come home, wash the plaster off and like clockwork the thoughts and feelings of worthlessness increase in volume as the darkness makes its full return.

Sometimes I see the signs/triggers approaching as she walks up the footpath. I can ride out those visits more smoothly in a shorter span of time cos I know what to do to get her to leave and then issue a sigh of relief when she is gone. The longer harder visits are the ones that I don't see coming until I'm in the thick of it. She sneaks in, taps me on the shoulder and whispers her presence into my ear.

When these episodes happen my inner voice says no-one else can fix this except me.

I self isolate.
Lock the door.
Lie in bed.
Sleep.

Binge.
Sleep.

Eat.
Sleep.
Sleep.

Sleep.

Then I try to ride it out or fight it off.

I ride it out by praying. There have been times when all I have been able to muster is help me.

I ride it out by listening/watching sad songs and movies to feel/release pent up emotion and permit myself to cry. It wrings my heart dry so that it feels weightless enough to keep beating despite depression, melancholy, disappointment, grief or sorrow.

I ride it out by working out or turning on music and dancing.

I ride it out by making a mental list of all the goodness in my life to clear the fog and slowly feel the light of day seep into my soul as the haze fades.

When the ride out doesn't work and my headspace still feels a mess - I fight.

I fight by unlocking the door and letting people in.

I fight by forcing myself to talk to a loved one.

I fight by going through the work of identifying/facing my triggers and unpacking it to soothe the pain.

I fight by calling a helpline.

I fight by seeking professional help and seeing a counsellor.

I fight by telling myself to breathe and keep breathing. There have been too times where my head would think that ending my life was the only or best way out of this. 

But it isn't.

Depression is one of the leading causes of suicide. It can be such a taboo subject, especially in the Pasifika community. 

We tend to speak about suicide with averted eyes, behind cupped hands in hushed tones. But we've had too many attempts and lost too many lives to keep avoiding this discussion. We need to look each other in the eye and talk about it in order to heal.

Our hearts need mending and things need to change.

Ride it out. Fight it off. Get help.

Remind yourself: Breathe. Just keep breathing.

With all the love in my heart I beg you to live and pray you find relief

Happy Days are ahead of you
Sila

For more information on how to get help or to help a loved one
click here , here , here and here

Be Here; Be Present

If you feel alright

Let yourself dance

Don't sit out tonight

If you feel alright

Get off your phone

Take it in tonight

If you see the light

Don't turn away

It's reality

"Sooth Lady Wine"- Matt Corby

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BhHnMGzfhgM

I can't sing to save my damn life. God put me in the strictly-listen-only lane cos he knew I'd be mimika as hell if I could. Sigh, a girl can hallucinate dream.

But I love to listen to music! My poor housemates usually receive a rude awakening on Saturday mornings or when I'm cleaning cos I can't help but have my music turned all the way up on max volume.

A few months ago I got to to see Emily King live. I positioned myself right in front of the stage so she could see me sing every lyric to her songs, that's how much I love her music. Miss Emily King saw my enthusiasm and must have assumed that my offkey voice could sing cos she put the mic right in front of my face, inviting me to sing along #IWasntReaaaaady

My eyes widened and I squealed "I CAN'T SING!" hand-on-heart-no-word-of-a-lie this happened. Unfazed we laughed and she high-fived my non-singing ass as the show carried on. I continued to sing, sway, dance, cry and I practically fangirled the whole damn set. My heart swelled with emotion at the strum of the opening chords and stayed at that capacity long after the sound of applause from her final song ended. It was transcendent in every sense of the word.

It was one of the few live shows I've been to where people didn't have their eyes involved in a tennis match between their phone's and the act. To be in a crowd where it felt like we were all there just to be in a moment.

When going out with friends one of my pet peeves is when we're all having a good time getting carried away with the dancing fairies and then along comes the I-don't-wanna-dance-but-I'm-FOMO-holding-up-the-walls-the-entire-time ass friend with their phone snapchat ready to record the fun that they haven't been having but clearly want to pretend they are for social media.

BRUH

I get squirmishly awkward and instinctively turn my back on the camera. Getting caught up behind a lense can categorise us as an observer and not necessarily a participant. Fabricated scenes and orchestrated filters to showcase a highlight reel can rob us from the pleasure of being in a moment cos we're too focused on what we want other people to see.

We lose parts of ourselves amongst the white noise of seeking popular opinion. We tie pieces of our self worth to likeability and conformity instead of digging our toes into the gritty sands of authenticity and feeling the grains of the present. When no-one is there to notice or applaud you, what will you do then? 

Put down the phone. Turn off the constant need for views, likes or retweets and lose your damn inhibition!

Whether you're jumping around in a mosh pit, being swept away with the dancing fairies or a heartbroken while seated at a funeral of a loved one. Try to resist the urge to become an observer by pressing record, let the full range of emotion that comes with the moment envelop you. For a few seconds close your eyes, take a deep breath and repeat the mantra "Be here; be present."

Try it. It works for me.

Happy Days
Sila