Take me from this thundercloud
Pull me up from the frozen ground
Yes this world keeps turning
It’s so easy to stray when you can’t see the love around
In this life there are things
That we just can’t be without
I can’t seem to shake the…
Black crow from my shoulder
Out here it’s so cold
These dark skies washing over
Wait for sunrise
Wish this black crow would just
Leave me alone
Leave me alone
Leave me alone
Leave me alone
"Black Crow" - Louis Baker
I don't cuss but depression is a b****
Depression is something I've battled with majority of my life.
Depression has gnawed on the scab of past hurts rehashing events that I mistakenly thought were healed. It has made me feel as if I am drowning in a sea of despair without a buoy of hope in sight. There are times where I have felt utterly alone in a crowded room, my feet cemented in the ground as people pass me by.
Depression has made my inner self curl up with the need for isolation as fragments of my being face each other behind enemy lines waged in an emotional war.
I have become skilled in the art of pretending that everything is okay. When I feel I have to make an appearance I plaster on a happy face, add a few laughs/jokes and engage in lighthearted conversation. Then I come home, wash the plaster off and like clockwork the thoughts and feelings of worthlessness increase in volume as the darkness makes its full return.
Sometimes I see the signs/triggers approaching as she walks up the footpath. I can ride out those visits more smoothly in a shorter span of time cos I know what to do to get her to leave and then issue a sigh of relief when she is gone. The longer harder visits are the ones that I don't see coming until I'm in the thick of it. She sneaks in, taps me on the shoulder and whispers her presence into my ear.
When these episodes happen my inner voice says no-one else can fix this except me.
I self isolate.
Lock the door.
Lie in bed.
Sleep.
Depression has made my inner self curl up with the need for isolation as fragments of my being face each other behind enemy lines waged in an emotional war.
I have become skilled in the art of pretending that everything is okay. When I feel I have to make an appearance I plaster on a happy face, add a few laughs/jokes and engage in lighthearted conversation. Then I come home, wash the plaster off and like clockwork the thoughts and feelings of worthlessness increase in volume as the darkness makes its full return.
Sometimes I see the signs/triggers approaching as she walks up the footpath. I can ride out those visits more smoothly in a shorter span of time cos I know what to do to get her to leave and then issue a sigh of relief when she is gone. The longer harder visits are the ones that I don't see coming until I'm in the thick of it. She sneaks in, taps me on the shoulder and whispers her presence into my ear.
When these episodes happen my inner voice says no-one else can fix this except me.
I self isolate.
Lock the door.
Lie in bed.
Sleep.
Binge.
Sleep.
Sleep.
Eat.
Sleep.
Sleep.
Sleep.
Sleep.
Sleep.
Then I try to ride it out or fight it off.
I ride it out by praying. There have been times when all I have been able to muster is help me.
I ride it out by listening/watching sad songs and movies to feel/release pent up emotion and permit myself to cry. It wrings my heart dry so that it feels weightless enough to keep beating despite depression, melancholy, disappointment, grief or sorrow.
I ride it out by working out or turning on music and dancing.
I ride it out by making a mental list of all the goodness in my life to clear the fog and slowly feel the light of day seep into my soul as the haze fades.
When the ride out doesn't work and my headspace still feels a mess - I fight.
I fight by unlocking the door and letting people in.
I fight by forcing myself to talk to a loved one.
Then I try to ride it out or fight it off.
I ride it out by praying. There have been times when all I have been able to muster is help me.
I ride it out by listening/watching sad songs and movies to feel/release pent up emotion and permit myself to cry. It wrings my heart dry so that it feels weightless enough to keep beating despite depression, melancholy, disappointment, grief or sorrow.
I ride it out by working out or turning on music and dancing.
I ride it out by making a mental list of all the goodness in my life to clear the fog and slowly feel the light of day seep into my soul as the haze fades.
When the ride out doesn't work and my headspace still feels a mess - I fight.
I fight by unlocking the door and letting people in.
I fight by forcing myself to talk to a loved one.
I fight by going through the work of identifying/facing my triggers and unpacking it to soothe the pain.
I fight by calling a helpline.
I fight by seeking professional help and seeing a counsellor.
I fight by seeking professional help and seeing a counsellor.
I fight by telling myself to breathe and keep breathing. There have been too times where my head would think that ending my life was the only or best way out of this.
But it isn't.
Depression is one of the leading causes of suicide. It can be such a taboo subject, especially in the Pasifika community.
Depression is one of the leading causes of suicide. It can be such a taboo subject, especially in the Pasifika community.
We tend to speak about suicide with averted eyes, behind cupped hands in hushed tones. But we've had too many attempts and lost too many lives to keep avoiding this discussion. We need to look each other in the eye and talk about it in order to heal.
Our hearts need mending and things need to change.
